'Gram of the Week (12/12/11 - 12/18/11)

HONEY, THERE’S A SIX-FOOT CHICKEN AT THE DOOR!

Kelly and Matt are celebrating their 20th Anniversary. Their daughter, Madison is finally 18 and old enough to vote…..and go as far, far away as she can from her crazy family!

Matt’s business partner in advertising decided to send a chicken singing telegram to the family to wish a Happy Birthday AND a Happy Anniversary.

So imagine, if you will, a cold night in December, up in Ridgefield, CT.  It’s not exactly dinner hour. It’s more like 9:00 PM and it’s dark up in Ridgefield. The last thing you’d expect at your front door is a chicken. But there I was in full plumage. 

Madison, is applying to colleges; all on the west coast. She’s let her family know that’s where she’s going and that’s where she’s staying.  In truth, Matt and Kelly are from Santa Barbara originally. That’s where they met, as a matter of fact; in high school.

Also, there is a woman named Deborah Ann, who has a chocolate shop in town and everyone in this family has worked for her at some point.

I got to announce that in the morning, Matt was taking Kelly away to Turks and Caicos for three days, leaving Madison in charge of her two younger sisters. How’s THAT for a Birthday present, Maddy?

I quickly got the “flock” out of there, hearing Madison protesting as I drove away.

Kerry

PREPPYGRAMS

'Gram of the Week (12/5/11 - 12/11/11)

 HEY JUDE, DON’T MAKE IT BAD…….JUST SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN AND TAKE IT

Ever hear of Patch?  Patch is a hyperlocal online news service. They are community-specific and encourage community contribution in order to realize the success and survival of their operation. They have a presence in many towns and cities in about half of the United States. Chances are high there’s a Patch online publication in your town.

Jude is a sales manager in the New York City office, selling local digital time to advertisers. A die-hard Jets fan, his coworkers wanted to celebrate with a singing telegram of a rapping gorilla. It gives me a chance to enhance my usual gorilla with some bling,  a leather jacket, and baseball cap. This group added a New York Jets jersey to spice things up a little.

Very conscious of his health, Jude lives for his protein shakes, eggs, and peanut butter. He’s up every day at 4:30 AM to lift weights, box, and workout. Then he bitches and moans on his way to work, because he commutes from New Jersey and sweats on the train.

All week long, he avoids carbs like the plague and then binges every weekend. For lunch every day, it’s “street meat” from a vendor. He bites his fingernails until they bleed and “pec pops” (flexes his pectoral muscles).  He wears extremely tight clothing and because his biceps are so big, his wife has to peel his t-shirt off every night.  And apparently, he has a “thing” for Nick Lachey.

This guy’s a hot mess!

(delivered a la rapping style)

This job can’t be the easiest, it causes stress indeed

You always bite your fingernails until they’re known to bleed

Your boys are not complaining, but they might sue you for libel

Do Luke and Matthew know they’re named for Gospels in the Bible?

Your diet’s like a paradox, I’m serious, no joke

One minute healthy, then it’s chocolate chips and Diet Coke

Every thing you do is macho, still I have to say

I’ve been told that you have a “man-crush” on Nick Lachey !

Kerry 

PREPPYGRAMS

'Gram of the Week (11/28/11 - 12/4/11)

I’M GOING TO CANZ-A-CITI, CANZ-A-CITI HERE I COME!

…they got some crazy little women there, and I’m gonna get me some!

John again! He frequents a lot of places and he's always calling me to sing to the  barmaid of his favorite hangouts, or even the bank tellers at the banks his strip club has his business accounts with.

Sara is a barmaid at Canz-a-Citi Roadhouse in Patchogue. For the uninitiated, the “cans” ain’t for the beer. It’s  similar to a Hooter’s. This Jameson-shot-drinking barmaid will tell you that Blue Curacao comes from blue oranges (who knew?). And after a few “Irish Car Bombs” and “Jaeger Bombs”, she’s known to growl like a bear and rolls around on the floor….all while she’s working! And when she’s ready for a nap, you’ll find her sleeping next to the ice machine. I was born 25 years too late!

Kerry

PREPPYGRAMS

'Gram of the Week (11/21/11 - 11/27/11)

IT’S A JOLLY HOLIDAY WITH…VANESSA !

It’s the perfect tune to use for just about the perfect woman. Vanessa turned 40 this week and her husband, Alex, flew her up from Florida to celebrate with family and friends. In the interest of full disclosure here, I know Vanessa and she’s as sweet as they come. So when Alex called me, I was ready to do whatever needed to be done to ensure this would be perfect.

For me, finding a special tune for a special delivery is very important. It helps to define the person and the event. Sure, I use some “old standards,” but every once in a while, a singing telegram that I’m writing will just scream that it has to be written to a specific song. And that urge just won’t quit until I’ve chosen it and written the lyric to fit the tune.

All I could think about when Alex was providing the information, was Mary Poppins’ “It’s a Jolly Holiday With Mary” that Dick Van Dyke sings to her when they’re in the animated park with the dancing penguins.

I arrive at Meehan’s of Huntington down in Huntington Village, dressed as a big red heart, which allowed me to point out to everyone there that I had a “big heart on for Vanessa!”

(sung to “It’s a Jolly Holiday With Mary”)

(verse) Your Great-Granddad was quite a guy

He gave you some money to buy

A bathing suit, I guess

That bikini, you recall

Was very small

He said, “Where’s the rest?”

(chorus) He’d also ask you to stop sunbathing

From the roof, I understand

Because it was scandalous and scathing

You were causing traffic jams

A C.O.O. and C.F.O. accountant

You’d think she is a gal whom you could trust

On a wine-tasting trip, she

Was so tipsy

She stole a lot of wine accessories!

She leaves the fridge open when she’s cooking

No wonder it’s Vanessa whom we love!

 

Kerry

PREPPYGRAMS

'Gram of the Week (11/14/11 - 11/20/11)

HOW HAMPTON HOTELS DIDN’T END UP AS “HEARTBREAK HOTEL” FOR YOUNG AND RUBICAM!

Young and Rubicam, one of the world’s largest consumer advertising agencies, got some very good news via a Preppygram Singing Telegram this week. After months of creative review and research testing,  Hampton Hotels rewarded them with their account; choosing Y & R to be their new creative advertising agency! Hampton Hotels

The hotel chain wants to introduce people to  “Feel the Hamptonality”:  a proactive, friendly service that the hotel team members offer their guests daily, aligning with the product and amenities at their hotels. It’s all about anticipating and fulfilling guests’ needs; going above and beyond. Free hot breakfasts, free high-speed internet access, and a clean, fresh bed. No more need to ask “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” With “Hamptonality,” there’s always a friendly face at a Hampton Hotel.

Based in Memphis, Tennessee, Hampton Hotels sent a singing Elvis to announce the selection. They see Y & R as a perfect fit for their needs. Like “peanut butter and bananas,” which is what Elvis used to say.

The advertising team had no clue as to why I was there. They truly had been kept in the dark and were eager to know the outcome of their proposal. I’m sure they were thinking “Don’t Be Cruel,” but once I started  singing, they got “All Shook Up” and started to “Shake, Rattle, and Roll,” with a whole lotta whooping and hollering and high fivin’ each other.

             (sung to “Jailhouse Rock”)

You traveled down to Memphis and you got that feel

I’ll bet you walked with your feet ten feet off of Beale

Now with you in our corner, we’re bound to excel

You’ll show the world we’re different from the other hotels!

We want you

To help make our dream come true

We’re full of confidence, can’t be denied

With Young and Rubicam right by our side

Once Young and Rubicam get to work on their advertising campaign, “You Can’t Help Falling In Love” with Hampton Hotels. 

Kerry

PREPPYGRAMS

'Gram of the Week (11/7/11 - 11/13/11)

WOODSTOCK;  THREE DAYS OF PEACE, LOVE, AND …..WORKING AT THE A & P

Poor Elaine. She REALLY wanted to get up to Woodstock in 1969. In fact, she was supposed to go and made plans to go with friends. Unfortunately, her boss at the A & P had plans of his own and that was for her to work the checkout as a cashier that legendary weekend in August. To this day she’s still complaining. (I imagine she might feel a little like Pete Best, the former drummer of the Beatles, before he was unceremoniously replaced by Ringo Starr!). And missing that concert might explain why today her favorite band is The Village People (ewwwww) !

An alum of Maria Regina High School, she was retiring from the Town of Hempstead in Planning and Economic Development with a dinner celebration at King Umberto’s in Elmont. Her co-workers had me deliver a singing telegram dressed as a nun: Sister Bernstein from Our Lady of Perpetual Motion.

Elaine has quite the storied past.  And each story is more “fantastic” than the previous one. She claims Oliver Cromwell drove her ancestors out of England and they ended up in Freeport, New York, where she would hang out on street corners drinking Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill and Tang. (Cromwell died in 1658 and Freeport was settled in 1640, so there is an element of truth in that!)

Aside from being a Foosball legend, her claim to fame is that she’s had a drink in every bar in Nassau County (that’s some feat!). In the late-’70’s and early-’80’s she hung out with Andy Warhol and the Velvet Underground at Studio 54 (But didn’t the V. U. disband in ’72 and not play for some 18 years?).

Her retirement plans are to settle on land she owns in Virginia, and make moonshine to supplement her income…….or to become a holistic health counselor.

Kerry

PREPPYGRAMS

'Gram of the Week (10/31/11 - 11/6/11)

COLLEGE OF STATEN ISLAND; WHERE YOU CAN FURTHER YOUR EDUCATION AND ………GET MARRIED?

Spec (that’s his name -- Spec) saw me do an Anniversary singing telegram recently at the Sovereign Motor Cars Mercedes dealership off the Belt Parkway in Brooklyn and it got him thinking. He’d been dating his girlfriend, Lena, since High School, and he was trying to figure out how and where he wanted to propose to her.

There’s just one big problem; his culture. He’s Albanian. And so is Lena. And there are rules. As I was to discover, it is a very, VERY conservative, strict, protective, family-oriented culture. They had to keep their dating private because if Lena’s brother or her family found out, it would be Bad-News-Bears for Spec. Like I said, he’s Albanian, too. It’s not like she was dating “outside” of the culture. I’m guessing the guys can be wild and crazy, but don’t even think about messing with their sisters!

Spec has a good job with Sovereign and even gets to drive a nice-looking 2011 white CLS as a perk. Lena’s in college now; specifically at the College of Staten Island for education. I assume by now, he’s made nice with the family. He already went to Lena’s Dad to ask for her hand in marriage. The only thing left was the proposal.

So Spec found out Lena’s classes and went to her professors. Professor Gold gave the OK and even went as far as telling the class at the previous lecture, that he was going to bring in Dr. “Fox”,  from the psychology department to talk about a new and exciting teaching technique the psychology department wanted to implement.

I show up to campus at the appropriate time. Spec is smoking like a fiend, nervous as hell, and drawing a lot of attention from campus security.  I asked “What are you nervous about?  I’M the one who has to sing! All you have to do is get down on your knee on cue and pop the question.” He made the mistake of waving his video camera around a little too liberally. Security came over and told him to put it away or they’d kick him off campus……and stop smoking; it’s not allowed. (I’m thinking he’s going to blow it before we get anywhere near the class.)

I agree to secrete the camera inside my lab coat (I’m a professor from the psych department, remember?), thereby making me an accessory to the “crime”.  Our window of opportunity was closing, so I said, “le të shkojë ” (“let’s go” in Albanian). I knock on the door, was greeted very warmly by Professor Gold and proceeded to ad lib my way through some BS about how the use of song is very effective as a teaching method and I was going to prove it to them by singing to them and then testing them. Lena’s girlfriend was also taking the class and was able to make hand motions behind Lena to indicate who she was (she looked nothing like her picture!)

Halfway through the song, I look at Lena and start to sing some very personal material (Philly Eagles fan, collects designer pocketbooks, sleeps with her socks on, wouldn’t kiss Spec on their first date, etc.) and she’s thinking it’s still part of the teaching technique and that she’s the guinea pig with all the personal info that I’m going to test the class on.

It wasn’t until:

“When you first dated Spec, it’s known

You changed his name on your cell phone

You renamed him ‘Lu’, no doubt

So your brother would not find out

C.S.I. is where Spec chose

To be the place to propose

So now he’s down on bended knee

And he’s asking……….”

At which point Spec walks in the room, pulls out a ring, gets down on one knee and asks,

“Lena, will you marry me?”

The whole class erupted. No one knew what was going on. They’re cheering, Lena’s crying, Spec’s crying, Lena’s sister is recording, and Professor Gold wanted me to talk more about the “singing teaching technique” !

Lena said “yes,” by the way. I hope they’re very happy and have lots and lots of little Albanian children. At the very least, just so Spec can continue the tradition and put his daughters’ boyfriends through hell when it comes time for them to start dating!

Kerry 

PREPPYGRAMS

'Gram of the week (10/24/11 - 10/30/11)

HER OWN PRIVATE CONCERT SOME 54 YEARS LATER!

Mary turned 70 this week and her children sent her a singing telegram out to Mattituck, where they were celebrating at the Transfiguration of Christ Church.

Fond of playing BINGO and Scrabble online, “Crabmary” is always early with everything; including birthday wishes. She gives gifts earlier than she should and she’ll even wish you a Happy Birthday on the day before your actual day.

She’s quirky in that she always has to smell her food before she eats it (maybe not THAT quirky. After pouring bad milk into my coffee  many years ago, I’ve never recovered. To this day, I’ll take a quick whiff of the milk before adding it to my coffee; even if I personally open a brand new container!). She’s also lots of fun at parties. One Halloween, Mary dressed up as a Bag Lady. She was so convincing, that no one knew it was she and suspected an actual Bag Lady had crashed the party!

Her only big regret: back in High School, she and her girlfriend cut school to go see Elvis Presley in concert. Never got the chance though, because they got caught. So some 54 years later, her family thought it was time to right a wrong and send an Elvis to their Mom.

Thank you. Thankyouverymuch!

Kerry

PREPPYGRAMS

'Gram of the Week (10/17/11 - 10/23/11)

WHAT DO YOU GET THE GIRL WHO HAS NOTHING ( I mean who WEARS nothing)?

A singing pink gorilla, of course! Taylor Vixen was the 2010 Penthouse Pet of the Year (for the sake of propriety, I'll forgo the usual links to other sites!) Taylor was in town to do some promotional work and Café Royale, the exotic nightclub in Farmingdale, was hosting her and discovered it was her Birthday. One of my good customers, John, who manages the club and has been the subject of a number of my blogs, called me up with a last-minute SOS. Knowing I'd never refuse a last-minute request to stop at the club (for work, for WORK!), I wrote up a song highlighting her.....uh.....attributes. John instructed me to go all out and not to worry; "she makes her living in the porn industry!" After all, she recently had been on Howard Stern's Sirius XM radio show, bragging about her natural D-cups.

But all of the jokes seemed to go over Ms. Vixen's head.

One of my usual throw-away lines is to say, "I don't strip or belly dance".......[crickets]

"I've come to croon, with my own balloons"...[crickets]

"The details of your age are kinda murky

I have to say you're looking pretty...perky!"...[crickets]

"PURE Night Club's host"

You are the most

There's nothing finer

Than your.........shapely body!"........[crickets]

The patrons liked it. John liked it.  Well, I guess that was the most important thing; keep the customer happy!

Kerry

PREPPYGRAMS

'Gram of the Week (10/10/11 - 10/16/11)

“THIS LAND IS YOUR LAND, THIS LAND IS MY LAND…”

October 2011. The Occupy Wall Street movement is in full swing.  Ted works for Deutsche Bank down on Wall Street and has to walk past the protesters in Zuccotti Park. Every. Single. Day. He has nothing but disdain for them. At 35, he’s not much older than they are. And like Andrew Breitbart, he has been known to “engage” with them on his way to work.

This Wharton grad is very fond of trading distressed convertible bonds, specifically GM, Ford, and Yellow Roadways. He’s also obsessed with his “Euro Hedge”. He met his wife in a bar. But he had to go really low to get her. He told her he was a Democrat, a Red Sox fan, and that he worked at Goldman Sachs. Her response was priceless: “You mean the jock itch company?” (that would be Gold BOND!)

His buddies over at Deutsche Bank wanted to have a little fun with Ted. They sent me in as a Hippie Occupy Wall Street protester who was able to “gain access” to the building to show him no hard feelings and that the “guys over at Zuccotti Park” wanted to treat him to a Dunkin Donuts Pumpkin Latte and a dozen donuts.

One would figure he could take a joke. After all, at Wharton, he used to write for the Follies; no small accomplishment. I don’t think Ted was amused!

Kerry

PREPPYGRAMS

'Gram of the Week (10/3/11 - 10/9/11)

PERHAPS THE FAIRFIELD UNIVERSITY FIGHT SONG WOULD HAVE BEEN  A BETTER CHOICE!

Fairfield University’s  mascot is  Lucas, the red stag. I don’t think a Reggae Gorilla comes close to looking like Lucas, unless you squint your eyes really, really tight; but who am I to judge? After all, it IS college and there might be lots of  underage imbibing……..even if it IS Fairfield!  

Julia is a sophomore at Fairfield University. She turned 20 this week and the only way her “friends” wanted to celebrate was with a singing telegram in the cafeteria at the Barone Student Center…..at lunch-time.

Imagine the scene; a packed cafeteria, a cornered bio/chem major, and a Reggae Gorilla revealing most of her secrets for the student body to hear. This Chris Brown fan is addicted to Juicy Juice, is a germaphobe, hates those who text loudly (?), likes to talk in a high-pitched baby voice, and can’t play soccer for the Stags because she rolled her ankle while wearing high heels! And those are only the things I can repeat in mixed company.

Oh yeah, she might be a little bit gullible, too. One of her friends prank-called her, saying she was the Dean of the school, and scared the bejesus out of her; hook, line, and sinker.

“Deuces”, Jules!

Kerry

PREPPYGRAMS

'Gram of the Week (9/26/11 - 10/2/11)

"FOR WHAT DO WE LIVE, BUT TO MAKE SPORT FOR OUR NEIGHBORS, AND LAUGH AT THEM IN OUR TURN?"

Husband and wife, Scott and Janice, celebrated both of their 50th birthdays this week in Babylon. Neighbors Janet and George couldn't be there and sent a comic Elvis to sing to them at their "Prom-themed" 50th Birthday celebration.

Their neighborhood in Copiague is very, VERY close-knit. They not only look out for each other, but they tend to get in each other's way, as well......often!

Whoever said that "good fences make good neighbors" and "love your neighbor, but don't pull down your hedge," obviously didn't know the gang on Harbor Court.

Not only is there always a party going on, but they also take vacations together. In Las Vegas, Scott fell asleep by the pool, only to wake up surrounded by empty bottles of beer his neighbors surreptitiously placed around him. 

Practical jokes seem to be a required skill to belong to this group. During Christmas one year, Scott and Janice brought their two TV sets for their daughters over to Janet and George's place for safe-keeping. They ended up putting their own tags on the gifts, so when Scott and Janice's daughters unwrapped the TVs from Santa, it didn't say it was from Santa Claus; no, it had Janet and George's names on it.

Scott enjoys water sports and has a lot of water-related "toys" on his property. One neighbor went so far as to put a huge sign on Scott's property that said, "Water Sports Rentals by Scott"! Scott got even by posting a sign on the neighbor's property that said "For Rent". They got quite a number of unexpected visitors that weekend!

Kerry

PREPPYGRAMS

'Gram of the Week (9/19/11 - 9/25/11)

TIME HEALS EVERYTHING !

Deb Silver's husband, Steven loves her .......a lot! They live in England and split their time commuting back and forth between Manchester and New York City. Tall and beautiful, a la Diana Rigg, Deb is a lyricist/composer and a jazz singer who headlines at the Zinc Bar in NYC. Steven is Steven Stone of Steven Stone Jewellers in the United Kingdom. (http://www.stevenstone.co.uk/)

This year's birthday found them separated with Steven working in England and Deb performing in NYC, while celebrating with her girlfriends at their New York pied-á-terre. Deb and Steven met 30 years ago in their 20's, split up, then met again two years ago, before finally getting married last year.

Here's a music video clip of Deb's homage to Steven after finding each other again. She wrote her own lyrics to the Beatles' "Got To Get You Into My Life" and spiced it up with choreography mixed with pictures of them throughout the years. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9T2qj6aOn2w

Steven decided to return the favor by having me show up in tuxedo to her apartment in NYC and sing one of the ballads from her act. I upped the ante by personalizing the song to that tune ("Time Heals Everything" from Mack and Mabel). This time, Deb ends up being on the receiving end of a torch song.

(sung to the tune of "Time Heals Everything")

Steven's 'cross the "pond"
No disputing.
Back and forth, you're fond
Of commuting.
30 years ago, met, it's said.
Split, then met again
Now, you're wed!

He's enthralled with you
Like no other.
To his children
The best stepmother

Today it's you he's thinking of
It won't be long now till October
To Hale you'll be going over.

Happy Birthday, Deb
Steven sends this with
All his love.

Kerry
PREPPYGRAMS

'Gram of the Week (9/12/11 - 9/18/11)

HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE DONATA?

Mary Johnson was a nun for over 20 years. With the chosen name of Sister Donata, she worked in the Missionaries of Charity congregation with Mother Teresa in Calcutta.

The operative word here is "was". She is no longer a nun. Having left the order, she came back to the States and wrote a book called "An Unquenchable Thirst: Following Mother Teresa in Search of Love, Service, and an Authentic Life".

The book, published by Random House, was scheduled to hit the market on Tuesday. Her story is in the October issue of O Magazine, with Oprah and Rosie O'Donnell on the cover.

What better way to celebrate and thank Mary's publisher and her agent by sending a singing nun to sing a congratulatory/thank you telegram from a former nun. (what's with all the singing nuns lately?)

Dan Conaway is Mary's agent. He nixed the idea of Mary's original sub-title for the book, which was "Mother Teresa Wasn't Always Pleased With Me". There was also some private joke in there involving Copernicus, when he awoke from his coma after someone placed a published copy of his "De Revolutionibus" in his hands, took his last breath, and died!

From there I went to Random House to sing to a group of editors, publicists, audio book producers, and their assistants -- all of whom tried their very best to take in the sight of a singing nun, congratulating them and thanking them for all the work they did to make Mary's book possible. I was a big hit all around.

Loved collaborating with Mary on this. The only unanswered question is "Who will play her in the movie?" She suggested that I should, given that I was so convincing in my habit. But I'm thinking more along the lines of Debra Winger, or her heir apparent!

Kerry
Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (9/5/11 - 9/11/11)

THE WEEK THAT WASN'T !

This week will go down as being more interesting for the deliveries that didn't happen, as opposed to the ones that did.

On Monday, a woman called me to inquire about a delivery at a hospital in NYC for someone who had minor surgery. Each hospital has its own policy regarding deliveries, as well as what costumes are permitted. It's always best to check beforehand. Most hospitals DO allow singing telegrams, but generally limit delivery time to visting hours. Some restrict balloons and very often "suggest" that anything loud and outrageous be toned down. So even gorillas and chickens pass the smell test.

But this woman had asked about a grim reaper! A grim reaper?" Really? "A grim reaper at a hospital?"

"Why not?", was her reply.

"Maybe the fact that some people go into a hospital but don't come out. I think it would be alarming to have the grim reaper share an elevator with a relative of a recently deceased person....not to mention it's really in poor taste and inappropriate. I am sure the hospital won't allow it. And even if they did, I wouldn't be interested in doing this delivery for you."

"But you're in the service industry!" she snapped.

"Yes, I am," I replied, "but I have certain guidelines that have to be met. A delivery like this could prove to be hurtful to someone, just by an unintentional meeting. And that's not the kind of business I run. I can't fill the request that would result in your satisfaction."

"Well!" she clearly was clueless and exasperated by my response. Then she hung up.

I'm guessing she got someone else somewhere to fill her request. As I like to say, "wouldn't wanna touch that karma with a ten-foot pole!"

My second non-delivery started out as a delivery. A secretary called on behalf of her boss to order a Get Well singing telegram for her boss's partner, who was home recovering from being hit by a car while bicycling. At first she asked for a rabbi, because the partner was Jewish. After being told it's not on the costume list and suggesting the man might be offended, she opted for a singing nun, because her boss was Catholic. She claimed her boss approved it. I kept asking to speak to her boss to help clarify the order, but she said he was too busy to talk and she was authorized to do the ordering, which she did, using his corporate credit card.

The delivery was to take place the next day, between 1:00 - 2:00 PM. The next day at 12:36 PM, 24 minutes before the delivery is to take place and ten minutes away from arriving at the house of the recipient, Dina calls to say her boss wishes to cancel the telegram because HE thinks the nun is inappropriate and offensive.

"But you ordered it yesterday, fully cognizant of it being a nun, specifically because I didn't have a rabbi."

"Well, my boss changed his mind and no longer wants it." she said.

I told her she could change the costume, but couldn't cancel the delivery because I need 48 hour's notice and she's only giving me 20 minutes. I'd be happy to redeliver with another costume later that day, but she wasn't budging.

"This is not a shirt you can return to Macy's!" I said. "Let me talk to your boss"

Again, with the "He's too busy to talk to you. I'm authorized on his behalf to make the decision."

I should have just said that it was too late, I couldn't get hold of the messenger in time, and left it at that. Instead, I headed to my next delivery. Within four days, I got a letter from American Express with an attached letter from Dina's boss saying he was disputing the charge with all sorts of made-up excuses that made me look like I run a business that could get a Triple F rating from the Better Business Bureau. (30 years of great customer service being thrown down the drain!).

Thankfully, I have all the calls and time-stamps on record, as well as every page of my website showing the cancelation policy clearly stated. Over the course of the 30 years I've been in business, there have been about four disputes over charges and each time American Express has sided with me 100%, without even having to make a partial refund.

What's ironic is that in each case, specific to the delivery, there is something the customer could have said that would have left me defenseless. Of course that "reason" would have been a lie, but nevertheless, I would have no choice but to refund the money to the customer. (For reasons you can understand, I'll elect not to disclose it.)

So now, having submitted my data to American Express, I await the resolution which I expect to be in my favor. I'd much rather be concentrating on making someone's day a little happier!

Kerry
Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (8/29/11 - 9/4/11)

HIGH MAINTENANCE

Tiffany loves her brother...dearly. She's the baby sister of the Safavieh rug and furniture store family that dominates the home furnishings industry. Their headquarters and warehouse are on Long Island in Port Washington, NY. Tiffany's also a little bit nervous.

It was her brother's Birthday and she called me that morning to do something for the afternoon. She kept calling back to change the costume at least a half-a-dozen times. Then the bombshell hit when she said her brother was going into Manhattan for a meeting, but was coming back out at the end of the work day. I was a little skeptical because, he lives in Manhattan, it IS his Birthday, so why would he come back out to the warehouse if he left early to go into the city? And my policy is that I need 48 hours notice for cancelation, so it couldn't be canceled. I'd be happy to re-deliver, but if he wasn't going to be there, why waste everybody's time? She insisted he would be there.

The last costume change was from a Rapping Gorilla to a Mick Jagger/Ozzy Osbourn-type rock star. The problem was that the rap had already been written and there was no time to re-write it, so the rock star was going to rap out the Birthday song.

Complicating things was that I had House Seats to see "War Horse" on Broadway that night and I was taking my daughter to see it, so we had to be there by a specific time. Tiffany kept calling me as I was driving to the delivery, giving me traffic updates as to where her brother was as he headed back to the warehouse. As I pulled into the parking lot , Tiffany calls me, very nervous that Jonathan will see me upon his arrival. It's a huge parking lot and I told her that unless he was specifically looking for a surprise, and based on where I was parked, it was highly unlikely Jonathan would spot me. And that's exactly what happened. Jonathan arrived and went straight into the building.

Tiffany decides to come down to the car to give me more last-minute instructions. It was then I got to meet her face-to-face and she got to see me sitting in the car with a 16 year old! I offered no explanation and Molly just smiled and waved to her. It was the first time all day that she was speechless.

But she quickly recovered and started to give me the scenario about how I should wear my costume and that maybe I shouldn't wear the spiky-haired 80's glam-rock wig I wear for such deliveries. I finally had to stop her and say, "Tiffany, please let me do my job. I know exactly what to do."

With that, I walked into the showroom/warehouse and started talking very loudly about how I was a rock manager and needed to furnish my airplane with Safavieh carpets, talking in a really bad over-the-top cockney accent. When Jonathan turned the corner, he didn't know what to make of me. I then told him I was the lead singer of a Rolling Stone cover band called, "Gathers No Moss" and that I heard it was his Birthday, so the boys and I wrote a little ditty and rapped it.

Jonathan just beamed from ear-to-ear. He told his sister it was the best gift he had ever been given (I don't think that was hyperbole!), and baby sister Tiffany was pleased. She was so pleased, that she called me about four more times on my way into Manhattan to tell me what a great job I did and that her brother can't stop talking about it. "Thank you, thank you, thank you," she said. "You were right".

(a la rapping style)

Let's celebrate, you're 28, knock me off my kiester

You're such a macho guy and yet you're a big fashionista

You're into bath & body goods, on that you should be dwelling

Stick candles underneath our nose, then ask, "How is that smelling?"

"Competitors are criminals", of that you scream and shout

On every website you delight, "Make sure you're whoring out!"

Soon you will go on QVC, where they sell Coach and Gucci

Your dream, by far, to be a star, bigger than Susan Lucci!

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (8/22/11 - 8/28/11)

HURRICANE IRENE

There must be something in the atmosphere that affects and influences people's biorhythms...or maybe it's that primitive, caveman part of us, like the hypnic jerk, where you feel like you're falling just before you fall asleep. I've read that primitive man, or probably our more ape-like ancestors used to sleep in trees. And if you fell out of a tree, well, you were dinner for whatever lurked below. That jerking reflex kept you alive and from falling out of the tree!

It is with that, that I introduce a variety of highlighted deliveries for the week.

The week started innocently enough with a delivery to a 95 year-old retired medical professor from Cornell University; Dr. Roger Greif. An old-fashioned gentleman, Dr. Greif has taught and trained generations of young doctors throughout the years. His wife is a trustee of Goucher College in Baltimore. I had expected to deliver to his apartment on East 87th Street. I was mistaken....it was his house! His HOUSE in New York City. It's rare that I get to go to someone's house in Manhattan. The entire brownstone is his home, and he lives over by Gracie Mansion.

What made this delivery so interesting is the inter-connecting of life's dots; the six degrees of separation. Making some light conversation after, I sang, I asked if Cornell was the only place he taught. Roger said that he had taught at Johns Hopkins in the early 1950's. Then I mentioned that I was reading this remarkable book called "The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks", by Rebecca Skloot, which tells the story of how in 1951, at Johns Hopkins, a young black woman's sample of her cancerous tissues, taken without her knowledge or consent, continued to grow (and are still growing) and turned out to provide one of the holy grails of mid-century biology, making some of the most crucial innovations in modern science possible. Dr. Greif nodded and said simply , "Yes, I knew those people".

Then Wella International sent me to the Elizabeth Arden Red Door Spa on Fifth Avenue to send a singing VIP invitation to two stylists/colorists to come to the annual International Trend Vision Awards as guests of Wella. Usually held in Europe in cities like Paris or Milan, for the first time the event is being held here in New York. It's a gathering of 65 other countries. Exciting for all I imagine, except of course, those in the industry who work in New York . So I went, dressed in my tuxedo, and sang a song to the very embarrassed duo, to the tune of "New York, New York", while their wealthy clientele looked bemused by the presentation. The staff was super. They treated me as if I were one of their guests, giving me a cool glass of water with lemon while I waited to perform.

Speaking of lemons, this next delivery was a testament to making lemons out of lemonade.

Toward the end of the week, with the approaching hurricane, things started to get a little wobbly. Maria had originally called me a few weeks back to do a Bachelorette Party-type delivery out in Montauk Point on a Saturday night, but by the time she called the order in, there was no one available to do it, since it's a two-hour drive east and a two-hour drive back. I couldn't squeeze it into what was already on the books. So I sadly had to kiss that one goodbye. But Maria loved the idea so much, she decided to have it done at BLT Fish in Manhattan at the rehearsal dinner, the night before the wedding/reception at Cipriani's. The rehearsal dinner was also the night before the hurricane. She had asked for a singing chicken because the bride and groom collect stuffed animals and that's the closest costume I have to a stuffed animal. A few hours before the delivery, Maria calls me to tell me that Cipriani's called them to tell them the wedding was being called off. They had no staff for the next night because of the hurricane and they had to postpone it until sometime in October. That's enough to take the wind out of anyone's sails.

But because it was Friday and the hurricane had yet to begin, they were already celebrating their rehearsal dinner with most of the guests who would be attending the wedding, including the bride's Aunt, who is a spiritual leader and the celebrant for the wedding. The couple opted to get married on THAT night, instead of some arbitrary date in October. After a quick "update/rewrite" of the song, Aunt Barbara stepped in to unite them, the chicken was the "cantor-du-jour", and Hurricane Irene christened the festivities.

"Tomorrow was the day, it's true

You were supposed to say, "I do"

But a woman has stepped in-between

She goes by the name of Hurricane Irene"

And finally.......there's Louie. If anyone personified the imminent storm, it was he. It's Lou's 25th Birthday. With his two sisters, they run a Greek restaurant in Brooklyn. He's the cook. Based on what his girlfriend of six months told me, he seemed like a pretty interesting guy. He's of Greek/Mexican descent, speaks Italian, Greek, Spanish, and English, works six days a week, loves to quote liberally from Adam Sandler movies, plays poker with his buddies, and is a big practical joker.

But this goes back to what I've said many times before; a singing telegram is NOT for everybody. You should know the person well enough to know whether or not they are a good candidate for a singing telegram. Louie was not. I'm in Brooklyn, poised to do my chicken delivery. The skies are getting dark and ominous and I'm eager to get back to Long Island before our predicted Category One arrives.

It arrived earlier than expected....in the form of Louie. Oh, was he mad! And I knew it the minute I stepped out of the bathroom to confront him. I'm liberally editing the song, doing my best rendition of an Evelyn Woods Speed Through (look it up!), looking for that hint of a smile. It ain't there and it ain't coming. He finally put his hand up and said, "Stop!" Which I immediately did. I turned, walked back to the bathroom to change, and walked out.

His sisters were very apologetic. I don't take it personally. "It's alright, it happens," I said. I just wanted to get home. I had to walk past Louie and his girlfriend, outside of the restaurant, with him screaming at her and a look of complete astonishment on her face. (A side of him you never saw before? When someone shows you who they are......believe them. The first time!).

The skies opened up as I pulled into my driveway.

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (8/15/11 - 8/21/11)

GOING FOR THE TRIFECTA!

Evan has already surprised his wife, Stacy, with a singing telegram. It was a year ago, when he sent me to her Dad's dress designer company in the Garment Center in NYC.

This time, they would be dining at Rare Steakhouse in Syosset. Evan's cool. I always admire entrepreneurs, who come up with neat ideas for their business. Evan's is called Bar Mitzvah Bouncer. He provides a party chaperone service in the New York/New Jersey area for Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, Sweet 16 parties, and any other teen party, where parents want peace of mind, supervising the kids, while the parents can enjoy the party, as well. He hires teachers who have that special knowledge needed to deal with the teens effectively -- a great and effective idea!

I have a special kinship with Evan. Both of our wives laughed at us when we told them the type of business we wanted to start.

This time Evan was going for the trifecta; he didn't just want to send me into the restaurant once to sing to his wife again, he wanted me to go out and change my costume and come in a second time, making it three times that his wife has been surprised with a singing telegram in one year.

The first time, I was dressed as the Godfather/Soprano/Goodfellas/Wise Guy character, "Beansy". The second time, I was dressed as the chicken. It was raining like heck outside and the restaurant was packed for a Sunday night, but the owner had no objections to my singing in the middle of their dinner and allowed me to get into my costume inside the front of the restaurant, out of the rain (Nice guy. Note to self; patronize the place!)

Stacy just groaned and rolled her eyes when I turned the corner (She didn't know what else was coming!). But she was very gracious and took it like a pro, while zinging her husband with sideway glances. She was a little down in the dumps because they were supposed to be in the Bahamas Atlantis for her Birthday, but her daughter got sick and they had to cancel at the last minute....and no, this didn't make up for it!

After the first song, I kissed Stacy goodbye, and said, "See you next year!"

Five minutes later, I was back singing as a chicken. All she could do was just stare at Evan. Her Dad didn't even stop eating this time; just kept packing the food in, while I sang! At one point, she said to her husband, "I am so embarrassed!"

Wait a minute. Let me get this straight; I'M the one dressed as a chicken and YOU'RE embarrassed?

On the way out, the restaurant owner said, "So you coming back as Elvis next?"

I answered, "No, why?"

He said, "Oh, the husband mentioned that he was having an Elvis singing telegram, too!"

(Glad I got in and out early!)

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (8/8/11 - 8/14/11)

WE AIM TO PLEASE!

I work in the service industry. My job is to give the customers what they want. I feel I already offer a unique business; custom-written, personalized songs, and a wide range of costumes from which to choose. But sometimes, customers want something else. Perhaps a costumed character not on my extensive list, a delivery outside of my delivery zone, or maybe a specific song, instead of a personalized one.

As long as their request doesn't hurt or offend anybody, I usually comply; or make the attempt to comply. After all, as I said, it's a service business. I never say "No!" The next step, of course, is pricing the request to close the deal. The rental of a costume, the extra charge for transportation, or taking the time to download a song and then learning it. All of that costs money and has to be factored into my price for the specialized service. And most customers understand that and have no problem paying the additional fee.

Rakel contacted me from Sweden. She's working temporarily in the Stockholm office of B-Reel -- a production company that produces digital, film, and animation. It's her first Anniversary for her and Patrik; they've been dating a year. Her request was pretty unusual. She wanted a male singer to arrive at the New York office of B-Reel, dressed as a big red heart, and sing two specific songs.

The first song was "You and Me", by Penny and the Quarters, which became a hit when it was used in the Ryan Gosling film, "Blue Valentine". No problem. That was easy.

The second song was a little bit more unusual. Apparently, they have this private joke between them that has to do with a South Park episode, where a hand-puppet sings a song a la Jennifer Lopez, called "Taco-Flavored Kisses" .

And the request was to sing that second song, JUST LIKE the puppet sings it on the YouTube clip. Well, it took a couple of dozen times of listening to it over and over to get the rhythm and the pronunciations right ("Fulfill all your weeeeshizz with my taco-flavored keeeeesizz"), but in the end, I nailed it: picture perfect.

Now I can't get the damned song out of my head!

Kerry

Preppygrams

'Gram of the Week (8/1/11 - 8/7/11)

A FITTING TRIBUTE FOR A FINAL BIRTHDAY

......and sometimes, when you are faced with tragic news, you want to help ease the burden a little bit, get them to enjoy the here and now, and make someone's day just a little bit brighter.

Gina called, asking for a quote to do a singing gorilla with a pink tutu for Little Egg Harbor, NJ; a place I had never heard of. It's a little bit north of Atlantic City and having recently driven down there, I wasn't eager for another six hour round trip. I told her that Little Egg wasn't in my coverage area, then gave her the phone numbers of other companies out of Philadelphia that might be able to do it for much less.

I almost felt embarrassed to quote her my rate. I'd also be limited to a specific time, since I'd have to leave by 9 AM in order to get there somewhere between Noon and 1 PM, getting me back to Long Island by 4:30, 5:00 for my other deliveries.

Gina's Dad, Frank, was going to be celebrating his 70th Birthday and the family had just received some pretty devastating news; he had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and this Birthday was more than likely going to be his last.

His kids and grandkids were all going to be seeing him later on the weekend, but because of their schedules and jobs and distance needed to travel to get there, no one was going to be with him on his actual Birthday.

I told Gina I'd go above and beyond -- write as long a song as I would need to fit in as much information she wanted to give me, as well as throw in a balloon bouquet, but I couldn't do it for less than my quote.

I don't know what happened with the other companies, but she called back in the evening, the night before Frank's Birthday. "They are less expensive," she said, "but I don't like what they're offering. We want to go with you."

She and her siblings had reasoned that this would be all the future Christmas gifts, Father's Day gifts, and Birthday gifts, that they'd no longer be able to give him, all rolled into one.

"Gina, you're breaking my heart."

I got right to work, writing the Mother-of-all-gorilla-in-tutu-songs for Frank, a retired auto body mechanic, who now spends his days fishing and crabbing. There was also the story of how, many years ago, while trying to cut a bush, he cut off the cat's tail, and part of his finger!

His wife and neighbors were there to take pictures. We laughed. We cried. Frank exhausted his repertoire of Polish jokes (despite my Polish heritage, I laughed). I stayed until they ran out of different combinations of poses for the camera.

"This animal lover is whom we hail

Cutting a bush, cut off his finger,

And the cat's tail!"

Kerry

Preppygrams