'Gram of the Week (11/7/11 - 11/13/11)

WOODSTOCK;  THREE DAYS OF PEACE, LOVE, AND …..WORKING AT THE A & P

Poor Elaine. She REALLY wanted to get up to Woodstock in 1969. In fact, she was supposed to go and made plans to go with friends. Unfortunately, her boss at the A & P had plans of his own and that was for her to work the checkout as a cashier that legendary weekend in August. To this day she’s still complaining. (I imagine she might feel a little like Pete Best, the former drummer of the Beatles, before he was unceremoniously replaced by Ringo Starr!). And missing that concert might explain why today her favorite band is The Village People (ewwwww) !

An alum of Maria Regina High School, she was retiring from the Town of Hempstead in Planning and Economic Development with a dinner celebration at King Umberto’s in Elmont. Her co-workers had me deliver a singing telegram dressed as a nun: Sister Bernstein from Our Lady of Perpetual Motion.

Elaine has quite the storied past.  And each story is more “fantastic” than the previous one. She claims Oliver Cromwell drove her ancestors out of England and they ended up in Freeport, New York, where she would hang out on street corners drinking Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill and Tang. (Cromwell died in 1658 and Freeport was settled in 1640, so there is an element of truth in that!)

Aside from being a Foosball legend, her claim to fame is that she’s had a drink in every bar in Nassau County (that’s some feat!). In the late-’70’s and early-’80’s she hung out with Andy Warhol and the Velvet Underground at Studio 54 (But didn’t the V. U. disband in ’72 and not play for some 18 years?).

Her retirement plans are to settle on land she owns in Virginia, and make moonshine to supplement her income…….or to become a holistic health counselor.

Kerry

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'Gram of the Week (10/31/11 - 11/6/11)

COLLEGE OF STATEN ISLAND; WHERE YOU CAN FURTHER YOUR EDUCATION AND ………GET MARRIED?

Spec (that’s his name -- Spec) saw me do an Anniversary singing telegram recently at the Sovereign Motor Cars Mercedes dealership off the Belt Parkway in Brooklyn and it got him thinking. He’d been dating his girlfriend, Lena, since High School, and he was trying to figure out how and where he wanted to propose to her.

There’s just one big problem; his culture. He’s Albanian. And so is Lena. And there are rules. As I was to discover, it is a very, VERY conservative, strict, protective, family-oriented culture. They had to keep their dating private because if Lena’s brother or her family found out, it would be Bad-News-Bears for Spec. Like I said, he’s Albanian, too. It’s not like she was dating “outside” of the culture. I’m guessing the guys can be wild and crazy, but don’t even think about messing with their sisters!

Spec has a good job with Sovereign and even gets to drive a nice-looking 2011 white CLS as a perk. Lena’s in college now; specifically at the College of Staten Island for education. I assume by now, he’s made nice with the family. He already went to Lena’s Dad to ask for her hand in marriage. The only thing left was the proposal.

So Spec found out Lena’s classes and went to her professors. Professor Gold gave the OK and even went as far as telling the class at the previous lecture, that he was going to bring in Dr. “Fox”,  from the psychology department to talk about a new and exciting teaching technique the psychology department wanted to implement.

I show up to campus at the appropriate time. Spec is smoking like a fiend, nervous as hell, and drawing a lot of attention from campus security.  I asked “What are you nervous about?  I’M the one who has to sing! All you have to do is get down on your knee on cue and pop the question.” He made the mistake of waving his video camera around a little too liberally. Security came over and told him to put it away or they’d kick him off campus……and stop smoking; it’s not allowed. (I’m thinking he’s going to blow it before we get anywhere near the class.)

I agree to secrete the camera inside my lab coat (I’m a professor from the psych department, remember?), thereby making me an accessory to the “crime”.  Our window of opportunity was closing, so I said, “le të shkojë ” (“let’s go” in Albanian). I knock on the door, was greeted very warmly by Professor Gold and proceeded to ad lib my way through some BS about how the use of song is very effective as a teaching method and I was going to prove it to them by singing to them and then testing them. Lena’s girlfriend was also taking the class and was able to make hand motions behind Lena to indicate who she was (she looked nothing like her picture!)

Halfway through the song, I look at Lena and start to sing some very personal material (Philly Eagles fan, collects designer pocketbooks, sleeps with her socks on, wouldn’t kiss Spec on their first date, etc.) and she’s thinking it’s still part of the teaching technique and that she’s the guinea pig with all the personal info that I’m going to test the class on.

It wasn’t until:

“When you first dated Spec, it’s known

You changed his name on your cell phone

You renamed him ‘Lu’, no doubt

So your brother would not find out

C.S.I. is where Spec chose

To be the place to propose

So now he’s down on bended knee

And he’s asking……….”

At which point Spec walks in the room, pulls out a ring, gets down on one knee and asks,

“Lena, will you marry me?”

The whole class erupted. No one knew what was going on. They’re cheering, Lena’s crying, Spec’s crying, Lena’s sister is recording, and Professor Gold wanted me to talk more about the “singing teaching technique” !

Lena said “yes,” by the way. I hope they’re very happy and have lots and lots of little Albanian children. At the very least, just so Spec can continue the tradition and put his daughters’ boyfriends through hell when it comes time for them to start dating!

Kerry 

PREPPYGRAMS

'Gram of the week (10/24/11 - 10/30/11)

HER OWN PRIVATE CONCERT SOME 54 YEARS LATER!

Mary turned 70 this week and her children sent her a singing telegram out to Mattituck, where they were celebrating at the Transfiguration of Christ Church.

Fond of playing BINGO and Scrabble online, “Crabmary” is always early with everything; including birthday wishes. She gives gifts earlier than she should and she’ll even wish you a Happy Birthday on the day before your actual day.

She’s quirky in that she always has to smell her food before she eats it (maybe not THAT quirky. After pouring bad milk into my coffee  many years ago, I’ve never recovered. To this day, I’ll take a quick whiff of the milk before adding it to my coffee; even if I personally open a brand new container!). She’s also lots of fun at parties. One Halloween, Mary dressed up as a Bag Lady. She was so convincing, that no one knew it was she and suspected an actual Bag Lady had crashed the party!

Her only big regret: back in High School, she and her girlfriend cut school to go see Elvis Presley in concert. Never got the chance though, because they got caught. So some 54 years later, her family thought it was time to right a wrong and send an Elvis to their Mom.

Thank you. Thankyouverymuch!

Kerry

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'Gram of the Week (10/17/11 - 10/23/11)

WHAT DO YOU GET THE GIRL WHO HAS NOTHING ( I mean who WEARS nothing)?

A singing pink gorilla, of course! Taylor Vixen was the 2010 Penthouse Pet of the Year (for the sake of propriety, I'll forgo the usual links to other sites!) Taylor was in town to do some promotional work and Café Royale, the exotic nightclub in Farmingdale, was hosting her and discovered it was her Birthday. One of my good customers, John, who manages the club and has been the subject of a number of my blogs, called me up with a last-minute SOS. Knowing I'd never refuse a last-minute request to stop at the club (for work, for WORK!), I wrote up a song highlighting her.....uh.....attributes. John instructed me to go all out and not to worry; "she makes her living in the porn industry!" After all, she recently had been on Howard Stern's Sirius XM radio show, bragging about her natural D-cups.

But all of the jokes seemed to go over Ms. Vixen's head.

One of my usual throw-away lines is to say, "I don't strip or belly dance".......[crickets]

"I've come to croon, with my own balloons"...[crickets]

"The details of your age are kinda murky

I have to say you're looking pretty...perky!"...[crickets]

"PURE Night Club's host"

You are the most

There's nothing finer

Than your.........shapely body!"........[crickets]

The patrons liked it. John liked it.  Well, I guess that was the most important thing; keep the customer happy!

Kerry

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'Gram of the Week (10/10/11 - 10/16/11)

“THIS LAND IS YOUR LAND, THIS LAND IS MY LAND…”

October 2011. The Occupy Wall Street movement is in full swing.  Ted works for Deutsche Bank down on Wall Street and has to walk past the protesters in Zuccotti Park. Every. Single. Day. He has nothing but disdain for them. At 35, he’s not much older than they are. And like Andrew Breitbart, he has been known to “engage” with them on his way to work.

This Wharton grad is very fond of trading distressed convertible bonds, specifically GM, Ford, and Yellow Roadways. He’s also obsessed with his “Euro Hedge”. He met his wife in a bar. But he had to go really low to get her. He told her he was a Democrat, a Red Sox fan, and that he worked at Goldman Sachs. Her response was priceless: “You mean the jock itch company?” (that would be Gold BOND!)

His buddies over at Deutsche Bank wanted to have a little fun with Ted. They sent me in as a Hippie Occupy Wall Street protester who was able to “gain access” to the building to show him no hard feelings and that the “guys over at Zuccotti Park” wanted to treat him to a Dunkin Donuts Pumpkin Latte and a dozen donuts.

One would figure he could take a joke. After all, at Wharton, he used to write for the Follies; no small accomplishment. I don’t think Ted was amused!

Kerry

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'Gram of the Week (10/3/11 - 10/9/11)

PERHAPS THE FAIRFIELD UNIVERSITY FIGHT SONG WOULD HAVE BEEN  A BETTER CHOICE!

Fairfield University’s  mascot is  Lucas, the red stag. I don’t think a Reggae Gorilla comes close to looking like Lucas, unless you squint your eyes really, really tight; but who am I to judge? After all, it IS college and there might be lots of  underage imbibing……..even if it IS Fairfield!  

Julia is a sophomore at Fairfield University. She turned 20 this week and the only way her “friends” wanted to celebrate was with a singing telegram in the cafeteria at the Barone Student Center…..at lunch-time.

Imagine the scene; a packed cafeteria, a cornered bio/chem major, and a Reggae Gorilla revealing most of her secrets for the student body to hear. This Chris Brown fan is addicted to Juicy Juice, is a germaphobe, hates those who text loudly (?), likes to talk in a high-pitched baby voice, and can’t play soccer for the Stags because she rolled her ankle while wearing high heels! And those are only the things I can repeat in mixed company.

Oh yeah, she might be a little bit gullible, too. One of her friends prank-called her, saying she was the Dean of the school, and scared the bejesus out of her; hook, line, and sinker.

“Deuces”, Jules!

Kerry

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'Gram of the Week (9/26/11 - 10/2/11)

"FOR WHAT DO WE LIVE, BUT TO MAKE SPORT FOR OUR NEIGHBORS, AND LAUGH AT THEM IN OUR TURN?"

Husband and wife, Scott and Janice, celebrated both of their 50th birthdays this week in Babylon. Neighbors Janet and George couldn't be there and sent a comic Elvis to sing to them at their "Prom-themed" 50th Birthday celebration.

Their neighborhood in Copiague is very, VERY close-knit. They not only look out for each other, but they tend to get in each other's way, as well......often!

Whoever said that "good fences make good neighbors" and "love your neighbor, but don't pull down your hedge," obviously didn't know the gang on Harbor Court.

Not only is there always a party going on, but they also take vacations together. In Las Vegas, Scott fell asleep by the pool, only to wake up surrounded by empty bottles of beer his neighbors surreptitiously placed around him. 

Practical jokes seem to be a required skill to belong to this group. During Christmas one year, Scott and Janice brought their two TV sets for their daughters over to Janet and George's place for safe-keeping. They ended up putting their own tags on the gifts, so when Scott and Janice's daughters unwrapped the TVs from Santa, it didn't say it was from Santa Claus; no, it had Janet and George's names on it.

Scott enjoys water sports and has a lot of water-related "toys" on his property. One neighbor went so far as to put a huge sign on Scott's property that said, "Water Sports Rentals by Scott"! Scott got even by posting a sign on the neighbor's property that said "For Rent". They got quite a number of unexpected visitors that weekend!

Kerry

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